#fail

MrsM confesses to MrM that she has not bought him a wedding anniversary card. MrM sighs with relief and confesses that he too is cardless. They try to decide on a remedial course of action. MrM reminds MrsM that they are going out for lunch to celebrate and MrsM acknowledges that in ordinary circumstances this would be sufficient but she is still anxious about the consequences of their negligence. "Do you think we should pop out and buy a couple of cards before MissM gets home? She will be very disappointed if her parents are not behaving appropriately."

1 canoe, 2 paddles

Canoeing is not difficult.

You just paddle
in a straight line.

We were awesome.

Except for MrM,
who fell out of the canoe.

I promised not to tell anyone
so can you forget I mentioned it?
Merci
~ bisoux bisoux ~

The Gardening Awareness Course

Man and Woman picking squash
Tacuinum Sanitas of Vienna, 1386

Once a year MrsM requires MrM
to take a refresher session in Gardening Awareness
before he is permitted to use a trowel or spade.
This maintains health and safety standards
and prevents MrM from being a danger
to himself and to the environment.

MrsM
What are these?
MrM
Gardening Shoes
MrsM
And what are these?
MrM
Those are not Gardening Shoes.
I am not permitted
to use those shoes in the garden.
MrsM
Very good.
What are these?
MrM
Gardening gloves.
MrsM
Why do we use gloves?
MrM
To prevent our hands from getting filthy.
In the event that gloves are unavailable
I must prewash my hands under the garden tap
before using the bathroom.
MrsM
So far so good.
What are these?
MrM
Secateurs.
Your secateurs.
MrsM
That is correct.
And finally...
in what circumstances are you permitted to weed.
MrM
Following today's regrettable accident
my licence for independent action has been revoked
and I may only weed under close supervision.

MrsM sighs.

MrM and MrsM, Birders

MrM and MrsM are walking beside the vlei, a freshwater lagoon

MrsM
What is that bird?
MrM
It is medium sized. And grey.
MrsM
Oh dear, I can't find it in the book...
well, what is that other bird?
MrM
It is quite smart.
It has red bits.
MrsM
I don't think you are trying very hard
What is that bird?
MrM
It is an LBJ
MrsM
Oh really? What does that mean?
MrM
'Little Brown Job'
It is a technical term.
Look at those birds on the water...
MrsM
Do you know what they are?
MrM
Yes. They are idle.
Very Idle Birds.
MrsM
We are not very good at this, are we?

this post is for my friend, Reader's Guide, who is a proper birder.

MasterM takes MrsM out for lunch

MrM
Did you enjoy your lunch with MasterM?

MrsM
Yes! It was so smart!
We drank champagne!

MrM
I thought you would.
It is one of my favourite place to eat.

MasterM
But it was very windy
and Mummy forgot her hairbrush
so she borrowed a fork
from the restaurant to comb her hair.

MrM
(aghast)
What??

MrsM
Yes - I thought it was very resourceful.

MrM
(faintly)
Did you ask the maître d’?

MrsM
No - it was the nice lady
who does the dessert trolley.

MrM
Oh no...
I will NEVER be able to dine there again.

MrsM tries to look contrite. And fails.
It is so tempting to tease MrM

*****

MasterM has gone back to South Africa to look for a job.
Keep your fingers crossed for him.

Collapse of Stout Party

MrsM
Look at this!
The Police are training chihuauas as search dogs!

MrM
Why would they do that?

MrsM
They are ideal for confined spaces
so they are using them for drug smuggling.

MrM
It's an April Fool.

MrsM
What?
Surely not!
it looks so real...

MissM
Don't feel bad...
I expect the spaghetti trees looked real too.

MrsM, chef de cuisine

Bodegón con atún
Picasso

MrsM is multi-tasking:
sorting laundry, planning menus,
listening to MrM, and cooking rice.
MrsM is at the top of her game.

The phone rings. It is MissM!
There is so much to talk about.
Books! Holidays! Cooking!

MrsM instructs MrM to sieve the rice.
MrM starts sieving and looks alarmed.
"There is something not quite right here"
MrsM looks into the saucepan.

there
is
no
rice

MrsM forgot to put in the rice.

It is a very public humiliation

*****
This post is for MrM
who accepts MrsM as she is
with all her multiple failings.

*****
Recreate this scene!
Put on some music!
Turn up the volume!

it takes two

It was a very special day...

thirty years since MrM first met MrsM

there was a spectacular bunch of flowers
and a delicious meal out to celebrate
and MrsM spent most of the day
thinking that it was impossible that
thirty years could have passed so quickly
and only a tiny bit of the day
wondering where she was going to hide
the commemorative Wibbly-Wobbly people
when MissM comes home.

Look Away NOW, MrM

The academic who was 41 is now 42.

I promised to make him a cake
and I asked him what
his favourite flavour was.

The academic who is now 42 said:


Please don't try and imagine
my subsequent conversation with MrM.
Especially not the allegation of
"cruel and unreasonable behaviour".
I want to maintain the image
of an untroubled married life.

a pool of sunshine

"I urge you
to please notice
when you are happy,
and exclaim or murmur
or think at some point,
'If this isn't nice,
I don't know what is'"

Kurt Vonnegut
A Man Without A Country

*****

MrM took me to Bath
for a day out on Sunday.
He went to great lengths
to choose things to do
that he hoped I would enjoy.
As we walked down
Great Pulteney Street
in the autumn sunshine
I thought
"This is what it is like to be loved."

setting the table

When MissM is at home
she always sets the table.

La Table dans la versure (1926)

I love to watch her select the mats,
arrange the plates and fill the water jug.
Even the way she lays out the knives
with the blades pointing outwards
has a personal touch.

La Table d'automne (1924)

MissM has always known
that setting the table
is about more than making sure
there is cutlery to eat with
and glasses to drink from.

La Nappe rose (1924)

My parents taught me
and I have taught my children
that every opportunity
to eat together as a family
should be treasured.

Petite table au pavillon (1935)

*****
Henri Le Sidaner (1862-1939)

High Noon

MrsM
What a shame that you fell asleep!
They showed the alternative ending -
it was a real movie-fan treat.
But really sad...

MrM (still groggy)
What!!
Gary Cooper died!!
I didn't know there was
an alternative ending.

MrsM
It was the director's preferred ending
but he was over-ruled by United Artists.

MrM
You should have woken me up

MrsM (kindly)
You were so tired
I felt sorry for you.

Snow Storm in August

MrM and MrsM discuss the Christmas (2010) Turkish Delight and agree that it must be eaten to make room for the Christmas (2011) Turkish Delight. This is referred to as 'Just in Time' Stock Management. MissM has not eaten Turkish Delight since she read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe". MrM and MrsM are oblivious to MissM's disapproval...MrM is trying to find the little wooden fork at the bottom of the box and MrsM is trying to work out which is the pistachio flavour without covering the house in icing sugar. They are both failing.

The New Sofa

Marriage a la Mode : The Toilette
William Hogarth

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

1.
No sitting, lying or standing on the arms.

2.
Ice lolly sticks, olive stones and grape pips
must not be hidden down the sides.

3.
Wine glasses should not be balanced
on books on the arms.

4.
Darning needles and dressmaking pins
must not be 'stored' on the arms.

5.
Pizzas, Chinese and Indian takeaways
chocolate biscuits and peanut butter on toast
must not be eaten.

6.
Ribena, Coca-Cola, Irn Bru, Pimms
and other highly coloured beverages
must not be drunk.

7.
No wrestling.

8.
No jumping.

9.
Wellington Boots must be removed.

10.
MrsM gets first choice of where to sit.

Recycling

MrsM likes to encourage responsibility,
she believes it enables personal development
resulting in greater self confidence.

MrM is in charge of sorting the recycling.
There is a blue box for glass and tins,
a black box for plastics and cardboard.

Every week MrM asks:
"What goes in the blue box?
What goes in the black box?"

Every week MrsM replies
slowly and carefully
"The clinky-clanky stuff
goes in the blue box and
the squishy-squashy stuf
goes in the black box."

MrsM remains optimistic
that MrM will learn.
Eventually.

Policy Failure

MrM and MrsM agree...

that there has been too much gallivanting
and that they must implement
an emergency policy of 'Lockdown'
The emphasis will be on essential household chores:
laundry,
cleaning the kitchen floor,
sorting the recycling.

MrM and MrsM agree...

that a trip to Oxford falls within
the broad terms of the 'Lockdown' policy
because of the cultural benefits.

MrM and MrsM agree...

that they will visit the Ashmolean
and look at the Greek vases
and then have a bowl of organic vegetable soup.

MrM and MrsM agree...

that as they are walking past 'The Bear'
they will stop off for a quick pint.
And while they are there
they text their lovely friends,
Graham and Ursula,
and get invited to lunch.

MrM and MrsM agree...

that it would be rude to refuse
when there is a chance to admire
the Lovely Miss Maisie in her bright pink boots.

They have a wonderful afternoon
with much laughter
but on the way home

MrM and MrsM agree...

that the emergency 'Lockdown' policy
may need to be reviewed..

MrM, Ornithologist*

Mourning Dove
Zenaida macroura
Order COLUMBIFORMES
Family COLUMBIDAE

Nests and Eggs of Ohio, 1879-1886.
Drawings by Miss Genevieve Estelle Jones,
Mrs. N. E. Jones and Miss Eliza J. Schultz.

*****

MrM has accompanied MrsM to the petshop.
MrsM is buying bird seed.

MrM
Fat Balls!!
What on earth are they for?
MrsM
The birds take little pieces of the fat
and use it to stick the twigs together
to make a nest.
MrM
Good grief...
I had no idea!
MrsM
It is a seasonal item
and that is why these are in multipacks.
You know...
spring is coming...
lots of nest building.
MrM
Of course!
Well, I never did!
You learn something every day.

When MrsM recounts this later
MissM is very shocked.
MissM
Please tell me that he didn't believe you!
What did he think that birds did
before fat balls were sold in petshops?

*****

*from Greek:
ὄρνις, ὄρνιθος, ornis, ornithos, "bird";
λόγος, logos, "knowledge"

MrsM lets the team down

MrsM
Oh no!!
I left the adaptor behind in the hotel.

MissM
I'm disappointed...
We let you out by yourself
and you start losing family heirlooms.

MrM
What would you say
if I told you
that I gave you
that particular adaptor
because I knew
you would probaby lose it?

MrsM retires, hurt.

first impressions

Basket of Oranges
Eloise Harriet Stannard (1829 - 1915)

When MrsM took MrM home to meet her family
for the very first time
it was an important occasion.

MrM took the opportunity to demonstrate
the versatility of orange peel
and the sight of him
grinning over the teacups
with bright orange teeth
is burned into her memory.

As is the heart-stopping moment
when the bright orange moustache
disengaged from his nose
and splashed into the teacup below.

MrsM notes that she gave up eating oranges
around about this time in her life.

Much Ado About Nothing

MrsM
Errr...I bought another camera...

MrM
I know.

MrsM
Oh!

MrM
Does it make you happy?

MrsM
Yes!

MrM
Well...that's alright then...