Monday, 5 May 2014

The Gardening Awareness Course


Man and Woman picking squash
Tacuinum Sanitas of Vienna, 1386

Once a year MrsM requires MrM
to take a refresher session in Gardening Awareness
before he is permitted to use a trowel or spade.
This maintains health and safety standards
and prevents MrM from being a danger
to himself and to the environment.

MrsM
What are these?
MrM
Gardening Shoes
MrsM
And what are these?
MrM
Those are not Gardening Shoes.
I am not permitted
to use those shoes in the garden.
MrsM
Very good.
What are these?
MrM
Gardening gloves.
MrsM
Why do we use gloves?
MrM
To prevent our hands from getting filthy.
In the event that gloves are unavailable
I must prewash my hands under the garden tap
before using the bathroom.
MrsM
So far so good.
What are these?
MrM
Secateurs.
Your secateurs.
MrsM
That is correct.
And finally...
in what circumstances are you permitted to weed.
MrM
Following today's regrettable accident
my licence for independent action has been revoked
and I may only weed under close supervision.

MrsM sighs.

17 comments:

  1. I laughed aloud. Thank you! And thank you for the evocation of Under Milk Wood.

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    Replies
    1. 'In the garden if you please!'

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  2. You do have to keep them under very close supervision. But at least your helps, that is not something to be sniffed at.

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  3. It's funny 'cause it's true...

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  4. Mr D is allowed to cut the grass and dig big holes. those are the only permitted garden duties.

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  5. I have one of those. "Whatever you do, do not mow down the Fritillaria imperialis." "No, dear." ..................... . This year, it has a cage around it!

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  6. What a wonderful idea... I think I might send Mr. Fan My Flame on a gardening awareness course before letting him loose with the pruning shears. The beech hedge has still not recovered from his last attempt.

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  7. Dylan would have been proud of you Mrs Ogmore Pritchard

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  8. Give him a break ... he's trying SO hard.

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  9. I suspect it is more a question of being very trying - at times at least

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  10. We planted some sweet peas today, in the past hubby has weeded them out - he thinks that weeds might grow in rows it seems! - better hope that he doesn't do it again! Weeding here needs to be done under close supervision unless it is weeds in the patio or on the drive!! xx

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  11. I'm with you all the way on this one - my husband is more hindrance than help. He starts spraying everything with poison when he thinks I'm not looking.

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  12. What? What did he pull up? Mind you. I can't talk. I pulled up some nasty couch grass before realising it was actually some posh Molinia Poul Petersen struggling back into life.

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  13. My husband decided on a whim that there were too many dandelions in the lawn and so went and sprayed each one with weed-killer. Now the lawn is full of bald patches and he is banned from my shed where all gardening things are kept.

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  14. Mine rarely ventures into the garden - unless it involves the shredder or the thing for cutting very high branches. So everything at soil level is quite safe, if often a bit neglected!

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  15. i genuinely believed this right until the end - i thought you were helping him prepare for his course. oops. almost as much of a mistake as Mr M made with YOUR secateurs xx

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